Tuesday, April 8, 2008

The April Fools Edition that Never Was

Duncan: "May God have mercy on us all"

By Eric Miers

Following weeks of wild speculation, GOP Chairman Mike Duncan yesterday declared Congressman Ron Paul as the new nominee of the Republican Party.

“In lieu of recent events, my colleagues and I find Ron Paul to be the only candidate who remains eligible… for the presidential nomination,” Duncan said. “The rEVOLution has begun. May God have mercy on us all.”

Paul was then delivered to the stage via a gold-plated blimp to give his victory speech, in which he condemned the Iraq War, the War on Drugs and the media.

“(Mass media) have labeled me and my supporters as racist, gold-hoarding schizophrenics,” Paul told the massive crowd of supporters at the event. “Well, the free market has cashed in their chips, and the people have spoken. Let me be the first to say: the good doctor is in.”

Following the acceptance speech, Paul’s blimp dumped 400,000 golden coins onto the writhing crowd below as they cheered and screamed Paul’s name. Although hundreds were injured in the resulting golden shower, only two have been confirmed dead.

The stunning surprise victory comes weeks after several medical experts went public with records revealing former frontrunner Sen. John McCain as a victim of “severe Alzheimer’s.” In his speech, Duncan deemed McCain to be “unfit for the presidency”, but hoped he enjoyed living a “life free of politics and worry.”
McCain has since been interned at the Smilewide Retirement Community in Arizona, unavailable for comment.

Across the nation, self-described “Paulsies” emerged from computer labs and underground bunkers to celebrate the wildly long-shot victory of their candidate.

The phenomenon was witnessed at CSU, as several clubs and organizations rallied in support of Paul outside the Lory Student Center. For three straight hours, supporters stood and chanted Paul’s name with wild, revered passion. Every now and then, people cheered “free market” or "no fiat currency."
“I don’t know what it is about his name, hearing it gets me all hot,” said Lorraine O’Connell, junior engineering major.

Derek Alfonso, freshman philosophy major and president of the CSU Students for Ron Paul, led supporters in the chant, proudly sucking on a burrito-sized joint throughout. Alfonso said Paul’s stance on constitutional rights won him over instantly.

“I support Ron Paul because he supports my constitutional right to be ripped as shit,” Alfonso said. “Also, he wants to get rid of the income tax and make sure that everyone is responsible for themselves. Seriously, welfare is for pussies. If people don’t want to starve, they need to learn to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and earn their food, not suck up all my money. Free market! Ron Paul!”

Alfonso continued into his diatribe, explaining the intricacies of the free market and the three shadow organizations corrupting its “sparkling” flow.

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