Saturday, October 4, 2008

Getting Better

I'm feeling down.
The day has been long and unproductive. I've been racked with guilt for making bad choices, the wrong choices. Instead of exercise, I take an extra hour of sleep. Later, I half-ass my way through a paper and an article, projects I put off for gratifications that left me just as quickly as they came. Recognizing this, I make a half-hearted pledge to do better in the future. Whatever.
At the end of the day, I don't do the assigned readings and tell friends I'm too sick to go out and socialize. It's one bad choice after another, but some days a guy just doesn't want to step out of his shitty dirty box, a comfort zone with a carpet of crumpled paper and coins and crumbs.
To ward off guilt and shame before bed, the keyword is "deformities." There's a million to choose from, but three or so usually will do. I can look at these people/human things/genetic disappointments and remind myself how good I have it. I don't feel very sorry for these people; they'd probably be just as terrible as me if they had all of life's greatness at their fingertips. That is what I tell myself as I lie down.
Tomorrow will be better.

1 comment:

Adam said...

Man... I totally feel you. This semester has been exactly that for me. Procrastination, half-assing, staying in most of the time. It's really sad and pathetic. And it's almost as if willing myself to do otherwise isn't even an option anymore. How awful is that? Gah.