Friday, September 7, 2007


If you were a super hero, what would be your super power?
I would love to have the ability to look into the face of my enemy and find their darkest secret, and in turn, use it against them. In theory, every human being holds some really low secret, something that they have nightmares about, or maybe something they've completely blocked out of their minds. I'd dress up with a oversized blue robe, and strap on a giant plastic eye ball that would be centered on my forehead. The eye would act as some kind of symbol of my power of limited but far-reaching insight, and I'd be known as "The Eye-Cologist." I would've gone with Cy-Cologist, but there's already a bike shop in Fort Collins that uses that name, and for me originality is a must.
Here are some situations in which my power would be more useful than any kind of flight or heat vision:
-A robber robs from a bank, gets a cool mil into his pillow sack, and runs towards the door, laughing with delight. Suddenly, the Eye-Cologist steps out from behind some giant pillar, blocking the entrance.
Out would come the glock, which he'd wave in my face, telling me if I like my brains in my skull, I'll get out of his way. But already, I have penetrated his mind, and from it ripped the one thing he's been hiding for his whole life.
"So, you're gay?" I'd say, loudly enough so that the terrified people on the floor could hear. He'd be taken aback a bit, not sure how to respond, having been accused of this for the first time in his life. Of course, I'd use his own pulsating homophobia against him.
"Not that it's a big deal," I'd say. "I know a lot of people who are gay, it's a pretty normal thing these days. I've got a couple of friends who are gay, nothing to be ashamed about, no one cares."
He'd snicker, telling me about all of the chicks he's banged in his 25 years of life.
I'd smile and say "Come on dude. I've seen 'Brokeback Mountain'. I'm guessing you're a particular fan of doggystyle, huh? A little too much of fan though. You'd feel a whole lot better if you just came out with it."
And it would go on like this for a couple more minutes, the guy'd be getting angrier as we continued our conversation, but before he decides to jus kill me, we hear "FREEZE POLICE", and I'd jump back behind the pillar and the cops would open fire and hopefully none of the people lying on the floor would get shot up, but the robber would have no chance.
The great thing is, there really is a variety of dark horrible secrets that one could pull out on a bad guy and keep him from finishing his evil plans:
-"Wait. You broke that puppy's neck on PURPOSE? That's really fucked up dude, I mean, really fucked up."
-"Your dad molested you too? Whoa...WHILE grandad was watching? I'm sorry dude, no one should go through that."
-"Ever heard that Phil Collins song about the guy who watches some other guy drown, and he doesn't do anything to help, he just stands there and watches the other guy drown? I bet you can identify with that one, huh? You make me sick."

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