Your guide to writing on the Internet

I didn’t think I’d have to write anymore blogs this weekend, other than the previous two “independent” posts. Of course, that wasn’t the case, as I discovered this morning. So, about internet writing…this shouldn’t be too hard to cover. Among the many important things to consider in internet writing, these are the top five:

1) Prim and proper: The only way to achieve internet credibility in your writing is to maintain a sense of proper spelling and grammar, maybe even a few sophisticated wording here and there. That way, people won’t imagine a TV-obsessed fatso when they read what you’ve written, and you’re a lot less likely to get made fun of.

2) Fun and laid back: For some, it’s far too easy to come off as a pretentious asshole unless you keep track of yourself now and then, especially if you’re an English or philosophy major/degree-holder who actually enjoys reading literature prior to the 20th century. If you throw out obscure allusions, using pompous speech, you’ll be immediately regarded as worthless, ESPECIALLY if it’s discovered that you don’t understand the very things you are writing about.

3) Keep it simple, stupid: Keep things in neat chunks of text. Don’t forget the instantaneous effectiveness of the picture, a device that says a billion words when used on the internet. No one wants to read a block of text that’s longer than their pointer finger, that’s the way it goes.

4) No internet poetry: Simply put, don’t post poetry on the internet. Much like painting a picture using dog shit, you might think you’re being edgy by displaying your poetry on the internet, but everyone will know that it is still shit, no matter how much symbolism you’ve managed to stuff in there. The internet has such an effect on poetry, unfortunately.

5) Remember, this is the INTERNET: You might enjoy reading the insightful viewpoints of some web user from Ghana, and decide the world would be better off with some detailed happenings from your own perspective. While this can’t stimulate growth within one’s self, never should an internet writer expect to be taken seriously. There is a damn good reason that certain writing is “internet-exclusive” and not printed for all the world to see when they really don’t care to. Sorry, but unless you’re making death threats to the public safety or our glorious President-Leader, then no one will take what you have to say with utter seriousness, unless it’s your employer who doesn’t approve of your internet mischief, in which case just make sure your internet alias is as untraceable as possible.